Have you got regrets that you can’t do anything about? Things you can’t change? Things you can’t forget about?
Regrets are a normal part of the human experience, often arising from missed opportunities, poor decisions, or life circumstances beyond our control. These regrets can haunt us, creating an emotional weight, and living rent-free in the back of our minds.
But while some regrets can be resolved, many are irreversible – for a number of reasons. Perhaps it’s too late to correct the mistake. Maybe people have died, or moved on. And we’re left with no way to fix things, forcing us to learn how to live with the regrets.
Regrets can eat away at you, leaving you with a feeling of unfinished business, or guilt. The good news is that it’s possible to make peace with the past by changing our mindset, using practical tools, and finding ways to turn regret into a source of strength.
The burden of unchangeable regrets
Unchangeable regrets often trigger a cycle of negative thinking. We ruminate on the "what ifs" and "should haves," replaying decisions and events in our minds. Wahida Finlay, international anxiety and panic attack specialist, describes regret as something that can feel like a heavy burden. However, she emphasises that it doesn’t have to remain that way.
"Regret often feels burdensome, yet it can become a catalyst for growth," says Finlay. "By reframing regrets as lessons, they serve as guides, showing us unchosen paths and imparted wisdom." Finlay suggests that instead of dwelling on the things we cannot change, we can turn our attention to the present. And use regrets as a form of motivation for making better decisions in the future.
One powerful tool for this is journaling, she suggests. According to Finlay, "Writing in a journal may illuminate patterns, helping align decisions with your core values. As you jot down thoughts, notice changes in emotions and mental clarity. This activity isn’t mere writing; it is a conversation with your inner world."
Releasing regrets: a path to emotional freedom
Releasing regret is a process that takes time, and it involves more than simply "forgetting" or "moving on." According to Finlay, a critical part of letting go is visualisation. "Try visualisation techniques," she advises. "Picture your regret as a weighty stone. When ready, envision letting it go into a gentle river, watching it drift away." This symbolic release mirrors the emotional letting go and can gradually lighten the burden of regret.
Additionally, mindfulness plays an important role in freeing yourself from the past. Mindfulness practices, like deep breathing and meditation, help anchor you in the present moment, making it easier to detach from regretful memories. "Mindfulness eases attachment to the past," says Finlay. "It helps to soften the grip that regret has on us, fostering self-compassion and a focus on the here and now."
Psychological tools for navigating regret
Simbareshe (Sim) Shamu, Behaviour Specialist, emphasises that while regret can feel overwhelming, or can dog the thoughts in the back of your mind, it doesn’t have to dominate your emotions.
"The good news is you can reduce regret and improve your overall decision-making process," he says. Shamu advocates for a strategy rooted in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which helps people deal with difficult emotions, including regret, by accepting them rather than fighting them.
Shamu outlines a simple yet effective five-step process for dealing with guilt and regret:
• Notice – acknowledge the feeling. Simply naming the regret helps to clarify it. "The mind is only doing its job," he says.
• Anchor – ground yourself by taking deep breaths and tuning into your senses. Name three things you can hear, and three things you can see, to centre your awareness.
• Notice the thoughts – acknowledge the thoughts behind the feeling of regret. For example, say, "I notice that I’m having the thought that..." This creates distance between the thought, and the emotion, helping to reduce angst and guilt.
• Accept – allow the thought and feeling to exist without trying to force them away. "By accepting them, you diminish their power over you," Shamu explains.
• Commit – take action based on your core values, regardless of how uncomfortable you may feel. Focus on what matters most to you and bring the difficult feelings with you rather than allowing them to hold you back.
Reframing regrets: the portfolio approach
One of the more innovative ways to manage regret comes from changing the way we gauge the value of our decisions. Instead of focusing on individual choices, Shamu suggests adopting a 'portfolio approach,' which looks at the sum of your decisions as a whole. By broadening the perspective, you reduce the emotional intensity of any single decision.
"Regret can often be amplified when we zoom in too closely on one choice," says Shamu. “Taking a step back can make a huge difference."
If you’ve ever been at a social gathering and worried that you’ve said something inappropriate, this is what Sim is talking about. Instead of focusing on that one small thing, remember the event as a whole, and the singular event diminishes. Apply this to broader areas of your life to help bring down the impact of regrets.
Moving forward: embracing acceptance
Both experts agree that living with regret involves accepting the things you cannot change while focusing on what you can control. Anyone familiar with the Serenity Prayer will recognise this approach. Finlay emphasises that accepting life’s unpredictability makes an enormous difference. "Acceptance isn’t about giving up," she says, "it’s about finding calm within the chaos." This attitude allows you to live a more fulfilling life without being consumed by negative feelings about the past.
Shamu highlights the role of guilt in human relationships, noting that it can be a powerful motivator for repair and reconnection. And whilst it’s not always possible to right a wrong, if it’s you who needs to make the apology, understanding that guilt drives your sense of regret is a good place to start. “Self-forgiveness, moving forward, forgiveness of others, gaining control and avoiding old patterns,” are all ways to tackle this, he highlights.
Top tips for overcoming regrets and moving on
Reframe your regrets as lessons
Instead of focusing on the negative, view your regrets as valuable learning experiences that can guide your future choices. What can you learn from this?
Practice self-compassion
Be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s important to forgive yourself as you would forgive others.
Try visualisation for emotional release
It’s not for everyone, but rituals are proven to help many people. You might picture your regret as a physical object and visualise yourself releasing it into the water or letting it drift away, as suggested by Finlay. Other rituals exist too, such as writing down your regrets and consigning them to the flames in a purging procedure. These exercises can help create emotional distance.
Focus on the present moment
Use mindfulness techniques like deep breathing or meditation to anchor yourself in the present and reduce attachment to past regrets.
Adopt a portfolio approach
When evaluating your decisions, view them as part of a broader set of life experiences. This wider perspective helps reduce the emotional intensity of any single regret.
Talk about your regrets
Open up to others about your feelings of regret. Sharing your experiences can provide emotional relief and foster stronger connections.
Keep a journal
Writing about your regrets can offer new insights and help you track emotional progress over time. This practice also helps clarify your values and priorities.
